Ice Cream Categories

 So, my daughter woke me up at 4:30 this morning because she had a bad dream. She didn't want to talk about it, apparently, so we just cuddled on the couch until she agreed to go back to bed. I wanted to lie down and snooze on the couch so bad! But I changed her diaper and got her a drink, and after using the bathroom myself, I got to back to bed, because she did not wake up her brother! In fact, he is still asleep. That's awesome. But me? I laid down and immediately my brain began cataloging various flavors and brands of ice cream. It's been a half hour already, and I'm still awake, so rather than being angry, I'm just going to go with it. We have five categories this morning! We'll go least favorite, meh, most disappointing, absolute favorite, and favorite chocolate flavor. Because chocolate is kind of a different category than fruit or other kinds of candy.

1. Least Favorite

Coffee ice cream was never on the table, because coffee is disgusting, so forget that. The worst ice cream I've ever had is Winco Brand Vanilla Bean. It was an awful, strong flavor that I unfortunately purchased in a gallon tub, and rather than waste the precious cold dessert, I just tried to drown it out with condiments and fruit. Blech. I even wrote a song about how I regretted buying it. Never again. You gotta be careful with vanilla flavors. French, bean, Farr's brand, etc. I've had vanilla beans flavors that I've liked, but I don't remember the brands they were, so it's just not worth it to me to keep wasting freezer space. Plain vanilla, Winco brand is a staple, though. There is pretty much always a gallon tub in my freezer. It's good by itself, but bland enough that I can add anything to it and the flavors get along nicely. 

Funnily enough, my mom's least favorite is Neopolitan. She says they just do a bad job on all three flavors and won't even bother to eat it, even if it's the only option. Makes me giggle, but I can't blame her, even if I actually like cheap Neopolitan.

2. Meh

I didn't think they existed for me, but there are kinds of ice cream that just aren't good. I think I'd still eat them if they were offered, though. Just to be polite. Or if it was a really hot day. First that comes to mind is Umpqua strawberry. Just not what I want, because the flavor seems off. Next up is Rocky Road. Ice cream with nuts used to be a type where I'd eat it and try not to grimace at the nuts, but... I'll actually crave those a little bit sometimes. I like a little salty with my sweets now that I'm older and have a lower sugar tolerance. Rocky Road was a flavor that as a kid I would avoid the nuts as much as possible, while mentally cheering "MARSHMALLOW!" but the last time I had it, it was a "meh."

3. Absolute Favorite

Right now? Keeping chocolate ice cream as it's own separate category? Orange-Vanilla Swirl: orange sherbet meets that plain vanilla in an amazing blend of tart and smooth. I don't know why it's better than just a scoop of sherbet and a scoop of vanilla, but they are my favorite combination, hands down. They are practically a match made in heaven, like Emmett and Wild Style--or Lucy, I guess--from The Lego Movie. They don't sell it very often, sadly. But any season, it's an all-time, absolute favorite. They sell orange creamsicles, and when I first had them, I deemed that they tasted like true love's kiss.  At least, how I imagined that would taste like, haha.

4. Most Disappointing

Tillamook is one of the best brands out there, which I did not know until I moved to Washington State and my husband got an amazing albeit miserable job so we can afford the tastiest brand. Usually they swirl delectable flavors into rich, creamy ice cream that has me digging for more from the carton when I really should have portioned out a modest serving into a bowl. I'm getting a little better about that, but anyway: Chocolate Peanut Butter. They dropped the ball on that one! I don't know what was going on. The chocolate wasn't rich and the peanut butter wasn't very salty. They just missed it on both counts! I guess I was expecting something as good as a Reese's peanut butter up, and this was just nothing close. It was especially disappointing because I was craving it a lot that night when my one-year-old was just not going to sleep.

5. Favorite Chocolate

Any brand of Chocolate Moose Tracks is amazing, but hands down, my all time favorite of choco, the one that satisfies the craving and makes me feel like a fat cat purring over my late-night snack when all the kids have gone to bed is... (drumroll, please) Tillamook Mudslide!

(The crowd of the imaginary audience cheers) It's an amazingly rich, dark chocolate ice cream that gets even better with this hard, fudgy swirl in the middle. The swirl is almost salty but so amazing. Even though it's tough to break it into manageable pieces with your spoon, it's so worth it because it just melts in your mouth and satisfies every last chocolate craving with ultimate success. I just love it so much. It's not even fair. How does anything taste that good?!

So there you have it. My brain just needed to get that out there so I could go back to sleep. We live in troubled times, my friends. It's the little things that we take joy in that make a difference. Finding our favorites out of these things is a worthy pursuit, especially if we can proudly say that we controlled our appetites for them last night and only got a modest bowl full. Find your version of a Tillamook Mudslide and treat yourself! Or even just the actual Tillamook Mudslide. Umpqua Chocolate Brownie Thunder is also amazing, because BROWNIES! 

I'm not even hungry right now, so I don't know why my brain had to go through this process. Yeesh. Okay, I actually am getting hungry now that it's after 5 a.m., but not even for ice cream. What the heck, brain?

Love vs Fear

I love people, but I'm also afraid of them.

They can be so fragile. Clumsy words hurt them, and they don't always say so. Honest feelings hurt them, and not even opinions, just feelings. Most of the time they forgive my clumsy words because they know I mean well, so I have to mean well all of the time. This is exhausting. 

Sometimes I long for the comfort of close friendship where you don't have to worry about what you say because you already know them well enough and they know you well enough not to misunderstand an offhand remark. I long for the comfort of knowing they know me and like me anyway. It is hard to take the risk, however. Being acquaintances or casual friends that don't intentionally spend a lot of time together seems safer. With the difficulty of scheduling around kids and such, it is more natural now than becoming close friends, but this is because I am a coward. The more frequent interactions we have, the more I worry that once they get to know me, my clumsy words will annoy them, or they'll find my laugh grating.

Do you ever feel like that? I have been on the other side of that where I thought I would like to be actual friends with someone, only to find that certain negative aspects about them were stronger than I thought. It is hard to describe without sounding petty, but perhaps because it is petty. There are behaviors that I do not like in other people, such as gossiping, or lengthy, repetitive lists of health problems, chronic complaining, or looking at life as if no one could understand how much more they suffer than anyone else. Some others include inconsistent honesty, one-way conversations, (long ones, too) and always needing something instead of ever wanting to just spend time together. These are tolerable in short doses, but not in close friendship. I value my free time too much to want those things to suck it all away, and sadly, would prefer to be alone instead of friends with these people. I don't want to behave like that, and I'm worried that I will become like that if I'm not careful. A while ago, I realized that what I dislike most about other people are aspects that I dislike about myself and have been trying to downplay. I don't like them because they're like me.

In short, I realize that I'm afraid that other people won't like me because they'll be too much like me.

Maybe that is why I am drawn to people who seem different, who are cheerful, energetic, loving, and enthusiastic. People who love to learn and grow, who are trying new things. People who know what they want, and accomplish their goals instead of giving up before their small project is finished. I want to be more like people who take care of themselves and their families and their lives without my failings--though I do take relief that my failings are not uncommon. I love having things in common. But perhaps I secretly hope they have solutions to these problems that I haven't thought of yet.

I want to be friends, but that includes taking the risk of coming out of my shell long enough to say, "I like you. Will you give up your free time and spend it with me?" and hope that they do not say yes just to be kind. It's as hard as dating used to be. It makes me nervous because I have to guess if the other person is liking or just tolerating me. There are many people out there that I would like to be closer to, especially when my closest friends are states away. I miss them, and it makes me sad to see others form close friendships around me so easily. They just call each other and decide to hang out on a whim, without any fear of rejection! How do they do that? Man, I want to be like you! I want to be less afraid.

I want to walk down the street to the park and let go of my fear that the other moms will think what I say is stupid or offensive, or that I'm judging everything they do. I promise, I'm not. If anything, I'm looking for tips on how to be a better mom. I want to tell the women wearing hijabs that I think they look neat and beautiful without worrying that they think I look wanton for showing my hair and my arms. I want to tell them that I admire that they live what they believe in. I want to feel comfortable around black people without worrying that they look at me and think that I can't understand them because I'm white. I want to tell them I love their Afros or neat, tight braids (my hair is always so messy, so I guess I'm a fan of neat hairstyles, haha). 

It's a pandemic right now, so socializing has taken a back seat in priorities, and I guess this gives me time to work up my courage. I don't know why I've become so closed-off and afraid of people. Probably 98% of all the people I've ever met have been kind to me, even if that kindness was just ignoring me instead of being unkind. This is the world I've grown up in, where you can't trust strangers, but most of them have been basically good. Where they don't know you, but they are still kind to your children, and will chase after you to give you back something you've dropped. I know it is not like that for everyone everywhere, but for me, 98% of them have, and I know that 100% are capable of it.

I love and believe in the scriptural phrase "I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear." (The Book of Mormon, Moroni 8:16) This is the sort of love I long to have, where I am no longer afraid of reaching out and loving others. The kind of love that is what it is, no matter what judgments, secret opinions, or prejudices other people might have. I want to be the kind of person who smiles at strangers everyday instead of just when I'm strong and gives compliments instead of just thinking them. One friend can make such a difference. One friend can make the world beautiful. One friend can be inspiring enough to cause positive change in another's life. Ah, I want to be that friend. 

I want to take the risk of admitting that I like someone and would like to know them better and take up some of their free time if they don't mind. But in order to do that, I have to become better at scheduling and asking people over to my house for a movie night, or on walks, or to go out for ice cream or pizza or pho when it's no longer frowned upon to socialize. With that perfect love in my heart, there would no longer be room for fear of rejection. Fear is about me. Love is about other people. If I truly love, then I am free from fear. Well, I'm not there yet. But if I reach out in love, I have nothing to lose; only something to gain, and there's nothing they can do to me that will change who I am. Well, strangers can't, but friends can change you, for the better, or for the worse. That's why they're so scary. And every interaction does have an effect on us. They can all change us, and be long remembered as bright spots or scars. 

Again, I tell myself, fear is about me. Love is about other people. Just choose to love. That's all you have to do.

Your Balancing Act in the Circus of Life

I always think of Qui Gon Jinn in Star Wars: Episode I when I hear the word 'balance.' https://youtu.be/ojXpHwhIqO8?t=89 "He is the Chosen One. He will bring balance." Did Qui Gon want Anakin to kill all those poor little Jedi? Was that a good kind of balance? He was dying, give him a break.

So how are we supposed to live balanced lives? The minute we start to do something that we need to do, something else clamors for our attention! The minute I feel like I've made progress in one area, something happens as a reminder that I've neglected another important area, and usually with all the gentleness of a swift kick to the pants. WHY?!

It occurred to me the other day that the best metaphor for balancing our lives isn't standing still while juggling. During my day, I have to move a lot from thing to thing, sprinting, stopping, changing direction, being delayed, and so on. I realized that in our lives we're mostly moving. And when you're balancing physical movement, even for something as commonplace as walking, you're constantly adjusting in order to stay upright. In order not to fall while doing yoga, you make frequent, if not constant adjustments to keep your balance. 

In Rachel Hollis's book "Girl, Stop Apologizing," she said that "Work-life balance is a myth." She followed up with,"the scale is never balanced; it constantly shifts back and forth based on what needs my attention right this second." That there was no answer to working toward your goals and having a perfect balance between your work life and home life seemed weird to me, but I think she was right. I think that there's no one setting that you can set and forget when it comes to balancing your life with all the responsibilities you take on. With all the people you have to take care of, and all the changes you have to make now and then or everyday, you're moving. So while you move, you evaluate. You write down what's working and what's not. You consult your confidants and respected ones. 

Ultimately, you adjust as you go. Like standing on one foot while you lift the other in the air and spread your arms out hopefully like some kind of wise, centered monk, you adjust yourself to keep upright. Frequently, if not constantly, you tweak things here and there. As long as you're watchful and humble enough to give consideration to warnings or advice you get, I think you'll be okay. I pray an awful lot that I'll receive guidance, and I need to work on listening afterward to get that inspiration from God, but a glimmer of understanding has percolated into my tired brain lately. I need to move forward, and once I'm moving, I can see what's working and what's not. Ears and eyes open, priorities set and reset, day by day, we can make little bits of progress that will accumulate like the soft, white cotton seeds that are floating in the air right now. Well, hopefully more like rain. But not too much rain. Haha, we want balance, not a flood. I hope you have the energy you need today, and that this helps a little! Now I need to get off my duff and start moving again because this chair is no longer comfortable. ^_^