Love vs Fear

I love people, but I'm also afraid of them.

They can be so fragile. Clumsy words hurt them, and they don't always say so. Honest feelings hurt them, and not even opinions, just feelings. Most of the time they forgive my clumsy words because they know I mean well, so I have to mean well all of the time. This is exhausting. 

Sometimes I long for the comfort of close friendship where you don't have to worry about what you say because you already know them well enough and they know you well enough not to misunderstand an offhand remark. I long for the comfort of knowing they know me and like me anyway. It is hard to take the risk, however. Being acquaintances or casual friends that don't intentionally spend a lot of time together seems safer. With the difficulty of scheduling around kids and such, it is more natural now than becoming close friends, but this is because I am a coward. The more frequent interactions we have, the more I worry that once they get to know me, my clumsy words will annoy them, or they'll find my laugh grating.

Do you ever feel like that? I have been on the other side of that where I thought I would like to be actual friends with someone, only to find that certain negative aspects about them were stronger than I thought. It is hard to describe without sounding petty, but perhaps because it is petty. There are behaviors that I do not like in other people, such as gossiping, or lengthy, repetitive lists of health problems, chronic complaining, or looking at life as if no one could understand how much more they suffer than anyone else. Some others include inconsistent honesty, one-way conversations, (long ones, too) and always needing something instead of ever wanting to just spend time together. These are tolerable in short doses, but not in close friendship. I value my free time too much to want those things to suck it all away, and sadly, would prefer to be alone instead of friends with these people. I don't want to behave like that, and I'm worried that I will become like that if I'm not careful. A while ago, I realized that what I dislike most about other people are aspects that I dislike about myself and have been trying to downplay. I don't like them because they're like me.

In short, I realize that I'm afraid that other people won't like me because they'll be too much like me.

Maybe that is why I am drawn to people who seem different, who are cheerful, energetic, loving, and enthusiastic. People who love to learn and grow, who are trying new things. People who know what they want, and accomplish their goals instead of giving up before their small project is finished. I want to be more like people who take care of themselves and their families and their lives without my failings--though I do take relief that my failings are not uncommon. I love having things in common. But perhaps I secretly hope they have solutions to these problems that I haven't thought of yet.

I want to be friends, but that includes taking the risk of coming out of my shell long enough to say, "I like you. Will you give up your free time and spend it with me?" and hope that they do not say yes just to be kind. It's as hard as dating used to be. It makes me nervous because I have to guess if the other person is liking or just tolerating me. There are many people out there that I would like to be closer to, especially when my closest friends are states away. I miss them, and it makes me sad to see others form close friendships around me so easily. They just call each other and decide to hang out on a whim, without any fear of rejection! How do they do that? Man, I want to be like you! I want to be less afraid.

I want to walk down the street to the park and let go of my fear that the other moms will think what I say is stupid or offensive, or that I'm judging everything they do. I promise, I'm not. If anything, I'm looking for tips on how to be a better mom. I want to tell the women wearing hijabs that I think they look neat and beautiful without worrying that they think I look wanton for showing my hair and my arms. I want to tell them that I admire that they live what they believe in. I want to feel comfortable around black people without worrying that they look at me and think that I can't understand them because I'm white. I want to tell them I love their Afros or neat, tight braids (my hair is always so messy, so I guess I'm a fan of neat hairstyles, haha). 

It's a pandemic right now, so socializing has taken a back seat in priorities, and I guess this gives me time to work up my courage. I don't know why I've become so closed-off and afraid of people. Probably 98% of all the people I've ever met have been kind to me, even if that kindness was just ignoring me instead of being unkind. This is the world I've grown up in, where you can't trust strangers, but most of them have been basically good. Where they don't know you, but they are still kind to your children, and will chase after you to give you back something you've dropped. I know it is not like that for everyone everywhere, but for me, 98% of them have, and I know that 100% are capable of it.

I love and believe in the scriptural phrase "I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear." (The Book of Mormon, Moroni 8:16) This is the sort of love I long to have, where I am no longer afraid of reaching out and loving others. The kind of love that is what it is, no matter what judgments, secret opinions, or prejudices other people might have. I want to be the kind of person who smiles at strangers everyday instead of just when I'm strong and gives compliments instead of just thinking them. One friend can make such a difference. One friend can make the world beautiful. One friend can be inspiring enough to cause positive change in another's life. Ah, I want to be that friend. 

I want to take the risk of admitting that I like someone and would like to know them better and take up some of their free time if they don't mind. But in order to do that, I have to become better at scheduling and asking people over to my house for a movie night, or on walks, or to go out for ice cream or pizza or pho when it's no longer frowned upon to socialize. With that perfect love in my heart, there would no longer be room for fear of rejection. Fear is about me. Love is about other people. If I truly love, then I am free from fear. Well, I'm not there yet. But if I reach out in love, I have nothing to lose; only something to gain, and there's nothing they can do to me that will change who I am. Well, strangers can't, but friends can change you, for the better, or for the worse. That's why they're so scary. And every interaction does have an effect on us. They can all change us, and be long remembered as bright spots or scars. 

Again, I tell myself, fear is about me. Love is about other people. Just choose to love. That's all you have to do.