Ice Cream Categories

 So, my daughter woke me up at 4:30 this morning because she had a bad dream. She didn't want to talk about it, apparently, so we just cuddled on the couch until she agreed to go back to bed. I wanted to lie down and snooze on the couch so bad! But I changed her diaper and got her a drink, and after using the bathroom myself, I got to back to bed, because she did not wake up her brother! In fact, he is still asleep. That's awesome. But me? I laid down and immediately my brain began cataloging various flavors and brands of ice cream. It's been a half hour already, and I'm still awake, so rather than being angry, I'm just going to go with it. We have five categories this morning! We'll go least favorite, meh, most disappointing, absolute favorite, and favorite chocolate flavor. Because chocolate is kind of a different category than fruit or other kinds of candy.

1. Least Favorite

Coffee ice cream was never on the table, because coffee is disgusting, so forget that. The worst ice cream I've ever had is Winco Brand Vanilla Bean. It was an awful, strong flavor that I unfortunately purchased in a gallon tub, and rather than waste the precious cold dessert, I just tried to drown it out with condiments and fruit. Blech. I even wrote a song about how I regretted buying it. Never again. You gotta be careful with vanilla flavors. French, bean, Farr's brand, etc. I've had vanilla beans flavors that I've liked, but I don't remember the brands they were, so it's just not worth it to me to keep wasting freezer space. Plain vanilla, Winco brand is a staple, though. There is pretty much always a gallon tub in my freezer. It's good by itself, but bland enough that I can add anything to it and the flavors get along nicely. 

Funnily enough, my mom's least favorite is Neopolitan. She says they just do a bad job on all three flavors and won't even bother to eat it, even if it's the only option. Makes me giggle, but I can't blame her, even if I actually like cheap Neopolitan.

2. Meh

I didn't think they existed for me, but there are kinds of ice cream that just aren't good. I think I'd still eat them if they were offered, though. Just to be polite. Or if it was a really hot day. First that comes to mind is Umpqua strawberry. Just not what I want, because the flavor seems off. Next up is Rocky Road. Ice cream with nuts used to be a type where I'd eat it and try not to grimace at the nuts, but... I'll actually crave those a little bit sometimes. I like a little salty with my sweets now that I'm older and have a lower sugar tolerance. Rocky Road was a flavor that as a kid I would avoid the nuts as much as possible, while mentally cheering "MARSHMALLOW!" but the last time I had it, it was a "meh."

3. Absolute Favorite

Right now? Keeping chocolate ice cream as it's own separate category? Orange-Vanilla Swirl: orange sherbet meets that plain vanilla in an amazing blend of tart and smooth. I don't know why it's better than just a scoop of sherbet and a scoop of vanilla, but they are my favorite combination, hands down. They are practically a match made in heaven, like Emmett and Wild Style--or Lucy, I guess--from The Lego Movie. They don't sell it very often, sadly. But any season, it's an all-time, absolute favorite. They sell orange creamsicles, and when I first had them, I deemed that they tasted like true love's kiss.  At least, how I imagined that would taste like, haha.

4. Most Disappointing

Tillamook is one of the best brands out there, which I did not know until I moved to Washington State and my husband got an amazing albeit miserable job so we can afford the tastiest brand. Usually they swirl delectable flavors into rich, creamy ice cream that has me digging for more from the carton when I really should have portioned out a modest serving into a bowl. I'm getting a little better about that, but anyway: Chocolate Peanut Butter. They dropped the ball on that one! I don't know what was going on. The chocolate wasn't rich and the peanut butter wasn't very salty. They just missed it on both counts! I guess I was expecting something as good as a Reese's peanut butter up, and this was just nothing close. It was especially disappointing because I was craving it a lot that night when my one-year-old was just not going to sleep.

5. Favorite Chocolate

Any brand of Chocolate Moose Tracks is amazing, but hands down, my all time favorite of choco, the one that satisfies the craving and makes me feel like a fat cat purring over my late-night snack when all the kids have gone to bed is... (drumroll, please) Tillamook Mudslide!

(The crowd of the imaginary audience cheers) It's an amazingly rich, dark chocolate ice cream that gets even better with this hard, fudgy swirl in the middle. The swirl is almost salty but so amazing. Even though it's tough to break it into manageable pieces with your spoon, it's so worth it because it just melts in your mouth and satisfies every last chocolate craving with ultimate success. I just love it so much. It's not even fair. How does anything taste that good?!

So there you have it. My brain just needed to get that out there so I could go back to sleep. We live in troubled times, my friends. It's the little things that we take joy in that make a difference. Finding our favorites out of these things is a worthy pursuit, especially if we can proudly say that we controlled our appetites for them last night and only got a modest bowl full. Find your version of a Tillamook Mudslide and treat yourself! Or even just the actual Tillamook Mudslide. Umpqua Chocolate Brownie Thunder is also amazing, because BROWNIES! 

I'm not even hungry right now, so I don't know why my brain had to go through this process. Yeesh. Okay, I actually am getting hungry now that it's after 5 a.m., but not even for ice cream. What the heck, brain?

Love vs Fear

I love people, but I'm also afraid of them.

They can be so fragile. Clumsy words hurt them, and they don't always say so. Honest feelings hurt them, and not even opinions, just feelings. Most of the time they forgive my clumsy words because they know I mean well, so I have to mean well all of the time. This is exhausting. 

Sometimes I long for the comfort of close friendship where you don't have to worry about what you say because you already know them well enough and they know you well enough not to misunderstand an offhand remark. I long for the comfort of knowing they know me and like me anyway. It is hard to take the risk, however. Being acquaintances or casual friends that don't intentionally spend a lot of time together seems safer. With the difficulty of scheduling around kids and such, it is more natural now than becoming close friends, but this is because I am a coward. The more frequent interactions we have, the more I worry that once they get to know me, my clumsy words will annoy them, or they'll find my laugh grating.

Do you ever feel like that? I have been on the other side of that where I thought I would like to be actual friends with someone, only to find that certain negative aspects about them were stronger than I thought. It is hard to describe without sounding petty, but perhaps because it is petty. There are behaviors that I do not like in other people, such as gossiping, or lengthy, repetitive lists of health problems, chronic complaining, or looking at life as if no one could understand how much more they suffer than anyone else. Some others include inconsistent honesty, one-way conversations, (long ones, too) and always needing something instead of ever wanting to just spend time together. These are tolerable in short doses, but not in close friendship. I value my free time too much to want those things to suck it all away, and sadly, would prefer to be alone instead of friends with these people. I don't want to behave like that, and I'm worried that I will become like that if I'm not careful. A while ago, I realized that what I dislike most about other people are aspects that I dislike about myself and have been trying to downplay. I don't like them because they're like me.

In short, I realize that I'm afraid that other people won't like me because they'll be too much like me.

Maybe that is why I am drawn to people who seem different, who are cheerful, energetic, loving, and enthusiastic. People who love to learn and grow, who are trying new things. People who know what they want, and accomplish their goals instead of giving up before their small project is finished. I want to be more like people who take care of themselves and their families and their lives without my failings--though I do take relief that my failings are not uncommon. I love having things in common. But perhaps I secretly hope they have solutions to these problems that I haven't thought of yet.

I want to be friends, but that includes taking the risk of coming out of my shell long enough to say, "I like you. Will you give up your free time and spend it with me?" and hope that they do not say yes just to be kind. It's as hard as dating used to be. It makes me nervous because I have to guess if the other person is liking or just tolerating me. There are many people out there that I would like to be closer to, especially when my closest friends are states away. I miss them, and it makes me sad to see others form close friendships around me so easily. They just call each other and decide to hang out on a whim, without any fear of rejection! How do they do that? Man, I want to be like you! I want to be less afraid.

I want to walk down the street to the park and let go of my fear that the other moms will think what I say is stupid or offensive, or that I'm judging everything they do. I promise, I'm not. If anything, I'm looking for tips on how to be a better mom. I want to tell the women wearing hijabs that I think they look neat and beautiful without worrying that they think I look wanton for showing my hair and my arms. I want to tell them that I admire that they live what they believe in. I want to feel comfortable around black people without worrying that they look at me and think that I can't understand them because I'm white. I want to tell them I love their Afros or neat, tight braids (my hair is always so messy, so I guess I'm a fan of neat hairstyles, haha). 

It's a pandemic right now, so socializing has taken a back seat in priorities, and I guess this gives me time to work up my courage. I don't know why I've become so closed-off and afraid of people. Probably 98% of all the people I've ever met have been kind to me, even if that kindness was just ignoring me instead of being unkind. This is the world I've grown up in, where you can't trust strangers, but most of them have been basically good. Where they don't know you, but they are still kind to your children, and will chase after you to give you back something you've dropped. I know it is not like that for everyone everywhere, but for me, 98% of them have, and I know that 100% are capable of it.

I love and believe in the scriptural phrase "I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear." (The Book of Mormon, Moroni 8:16) This is the sort of love I long to have, where I am no longer afraid of reaching out and loving others. The kind of love that is what it is, no matter what judgments, secret opinions, or prejudices other people might have. I want to be the kind of person who smiles at strangers everyday instead of just when I'm strong and gives compliments instead of just thinking them. One friend can make such a difference. One friend can make the world beautiful. One friend can be inspiring enough to cause positive change in another's life. Ah, I want to be that friend. 

I want to take the risk of admitting that I like someone and would like to know them better and take up some of their free time if they don't mind. But in order to do that, I have to become better at scheduling and asking people over to my house for a movie night, or on walks, or to go out for ice cream or pizza or pho when it's no longer frowned upon to socialize. With that perfect love in my heart, there would no longer be room for fear of rejection. Fear is about me. Love is about other people. If I truly love, then I am free from fear. Well, I'm not there yet. But if I reach out in love, I have nothing to lose; only something to gain, and there's nothing they can do to me that will change who I am. Well, strangers can't, but friends can change you, for the better, or for the worse. That's why they're so scary. And every interaction does have an effect on us. They can all change us, and be long remembered as bright spots or scars. 

Again, I tell myself, fear is about me. Love is about other people. Just choose to love. That's all you have to do.

Your Balancing Act in the Circus of Life

I always think of Qui Gon Jinn in Star Wars: Episode I when I hear the word 'balance.' https://youtu.be/ojXpHwhIqO8?t=89 "He is the Chosen One. He will bring balance." Did Qui Gon want Anakin to kill all those poor little Jedi? Was that a good kind of balance? He was dying, give him a break.

So how are we supposed to live balanced lives? The minute we start to do something that we need to do, something else clamors for our attention! The minute I feel like I've made progress in one area, something happens as a reminder that I've neglected another important area, and usually with all the gentleness of a swift kick to the pants. WHY?!

It occurred to me the other day that the best metaphor for balancing our lives isn't standing still while juggling. During my day, I have to move a lot from thing to thing, sprinting, stopping, changing direction, being delayed, and so on. I realized that in our lives we're mostly moving. And when you're balancing physical movement, even for something as commonplace as walking, you're constantly adjusting in order to stay upright. In order not to fall while doing yoga, you make frequent, if not constant adjustments to keep your balance. 

In Rachel Hollis's book "Girl, Stop Apologizing," she said that "Work-life balance is a myth." She followed up with,"the scale is never balanced; it constantly shifts back and forth based on what needs my attention right this second." That there was no answer to working toward your goals and having a perfect balance between your work life and home life seemed weird to me, but I think she was right. I think that there's no one setting that you can set and forget when it comes to balancing your life with all the responsibilities you take on. With all the people you have to take care of, and all the changes you have to make now and then or everyday, you're moving. So while you move, you evaluate. You write down what's working and what's not. You consult your confidants and respected ones. 

Ultimately, you adjust as you go. Like standing on one foot while you lift the other in the air and spread your arms out hopefully like some kind of wise, centered monk, you adjust yourself to keep upright. Frequently, if not constantly, you tweak things here and there. As long as you're watchful and humble enough to give consideration to warnings or advice you get, I think you'll be okay. I pray an awful lot that I'll receive guidance, and I need to work on listening afterward to get that inspiration from God, but a glimmer of understanding has percolated into my tired brain lately. I need to move forward, and once I'm moving, I can see what's working and what's not. Ears and eyes open, priorities set and reset, day by day, we can make little bits of progress that will accumulate like the soft, white cotton seeds that are floating in the air right now. Well, hopefully more like rain. But not too much rain. Haha, we want balance, not a flood. I hope you have the energy you need today, and that this helps a little! Now I need to get off my duff and start moving again because this chair is no longer comfortable. ^_^

"Netflix and Chill?!?!" Warning: Rant Concerning a Sexual Innuendo

I super hate that phrase: "Netflix and Chill." I thought it was exactly what it sounded like. As a date, it sounds like something a couple who's been together for a while would want to do at the end of a long, tiring day. A boring date when you have low energy and no good ideas. Just sit on the couch while cuddling, perhaps, watch something mindless, and maybe eat some snacks. Chill.

So, what, it means sex?!

Sex is not bad. I'm not against sex between two consenting adults, especially if they are married to each other. It's part of a biologically healthy relationship. BUT WHAT THE HECK?! Sex is NOT chill! It's a physical activity that requires cardiovascular endurance. At some points, every muscle in the body is tense. My husband has told me that it's the best full-body exercise for humans (and he would say that). So in what way is that chilling?

Worst metaphor ever! Not a good innuendo! How did it come to mean that?!?! I would be super-duper annoyed if a man suggested we watch a movie and chill when he really intended to make me work hard. It's really rude to say "Let's relax and not worry about anything," if you really mean "Now work really hard and please me to the point where you will want a shower."

Like, if a man (or woman) asked you on a hiking trip, and told you it was a mild hike of one or two miles with no elevation gain. And then you find out after you're on the trail that he or she lied to you, and the trail is really TEN miles, straight uphill, and when you say you didn't dress for that, or that you're not feeling up to it, they look at you like a wounded puppy, a soldier betrayed, or worse, leave you alone, in the middle of the woods, stomping off in a huff. Wouldn't you be mad? That example is extreme, but drastically different expectations can have the same bad emotional effect in a relationship.

It's selfish and dishonest to suggest doing one thing and mean the complete opposite. Sure, most people probably know what that is supposed to mean, but still! If my coworkers had not explained it to me, I would not have figured it out, because sex is the exact opposite of chilling. Maybe that's the whole point and it's supposed to be ironic. I don't know. I don't even care at this point.

In short, GOOD GRIEF, PEOPLE! JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND STOP BEING ALL COY AND DISHONEST WITH YOUR LANGUAGE!

Okay, rant over. It just makes me super mad.

The Meter of Attractiveness

The more TV I watch (especially Korean TV), the more I realize that there are a lot of beautiful people in the world, but not all of them are attractive. This is because it's not about looks.

Looks are initially important. Physical attraction is definitely important in a romantic relationship, but it is not about looks when you fall for someone. You've heard it before, but it is not about looks, guys; it's about personality. Your fundamental principles. How you treat other people. Your core. Who you are on the inside.

Korean dramas (other movies too, but lately that's what I've been watching) have made me fall for some guys, but not for others. Why was one handsome dude was more likeable than the other? It's what's on the inside that counts. I've found that it wasn't the staring into pretty eyes, the sight of a man's muscular torso, or romantic situations that made my heart go thump-thump, but certain aspects of a human's personality, such as:

• Thoughtfulness or consideration for others (way underrated)
• Being kind and gentle to children
• The ability to get through an argument or handle stress without resorting to personal attacks or swearing
• Doing the right thing when one's head or other people say to ignore it instead
• Being honest even when it's uncomfortable
• Being competent overall, which includes being skillful, intelligent, or hard to trick 
• Having a good sense of humor (I find love in the giggles and inside jokes)

For me, those are winning traits. After seeing so many pretty faces, that is what I care about. It's funny, because usually the male leads in these Kdramas do not start out with more than two of these qualities, but have to go through a changing process in order to become decent people. Maybe that could be a metaphor about every human and life, but I think it might be kind of lowering our expectations so we'll be satisfied at the end of the show. "Hmm, he's rich and handsome... if only he could be tweaked so he has a good personality too..." (5-10 episodes later) "Ah, there we go!"

Haha, it's not about looks, but they are just about the only place to start. To apply this to real life: What you look like is just what people see to form an initial impression of you. It does matter, but after talking to you for... maybe two hours or so, or better yet, seeing you overcome a challenge or handle a bad situation well, they should actually see you, and hopefully they will think better of you than they did at first.

Dating and finding a mate for life are tough in innumerable ways, but if you are going around thinking that you are just not attractive enough, you don't have to worry that much about your face or body. Sure, having minimal acne and a strong, fit physique do not harm your chances. Flattering clothing and haircuts certainly are good. But lots of people can and will see past any imperfections when they get the chance. Especially if they see that you regularly take time to try and improve yourself. You may even inspire them to work harder on improving themselves.

If you can't find other people that meet your expectations, take someone kind, free, and passably good looking and maybe try to get to know them by using a route other than the awkward small talk and dinner + movie dates. Instead, do things together in a group setting (you can see how this person interacts with other people too--a bonus). Play Ultimate Frisbee, or go clean some old widow's yard or help her paint her house. Go shopping, help someone move, play board or video games together. Whatever you do, do things that make you feel good about yourself, and if you can bring in other people, it gets better and better. And if you don't find a mate in doing these fun and rewarding things, you get friends, which are the next best thing and still a lifelong need.

People who attract me, friends and fictional characters alike, are those whose characters resound with me on some level. Those who make choices I'm proud of, who are kind, who are fighting to overcome their challenges and weaknesses, who care about the fundamentally important things in life, and take care of the people they love--as well as themselves.

It's tough to be an overall great person. What's important is that you try, and give other people room to try as well. Looks will fade, pretty faces will wrinkle, and in the end, what's in our souls is what will shine through our eyes and actions.

Random Social Encounter

So, I had another funny bit of college nostalgia light up the tired recesses of my mind at some point yesterday. Or maybe last night. Perhaps in the wee hours of the morning... in any case, I remembered it in the bathroom and it made me giggle.

For a little background, I remember it was at some sort of International event at BYU-Idaho, a dinner with the various cultural groups performing demonstrations of what they did in their clubs. The Russian Association were dressed in white and gold and did a dance-- I recognized a few members from Russian 101 there. That was a tight class, by the way. It was only due to meeting my friend David in that class that I was there at all. I'd seen him on a Saturday and he had pulled me into the Capoeira group. I was terrible at Capoeira, but it was so much fun, so I'd shown up with the other crazily amazing Capoeiristas, representing Brazil. Since it was a martial art/dance/game, to stay warmed up while we waited to perform, we were bouncing and cartwheeling around the lobby. (Well, we'd do that anyway. No one quite goofs off like a group of Capoeiristas.) Around us were members of the Japanese group with their white and red flag of the sun, and some other countries that have blurred in my memory. While catching my breath, I saw an Asian guy sitting in a chair lining the 2nd floor wall, and, in my bubbly mood, decided to accost him.

I asked him if he spoke Japanese. I'd loved the language ever since my brothers had shown me "Advent Children." He replied that he didn't. Right then, my friend David landed a cartwheel nearby, and I, as if it was some terrible shock, said, "David, this guy doesn't speak Japanese!"

My wonderful, quick-witted friend immediately responded with a mock frown, "I'm offended!" and bounded off again.

"I do speak Chinese," the poor Asian guy said.

"Oh, that's cool," I think I said, and sat down next to him. We had a friendly conversation, where I found out that one of his parents was from China, and he was majoring in Art, as an illustrator. So that was fun. A nice random encounter, and not without a sequel. I met him again some time later in Tomassito's.

Again, some background-- Tomassito's was a splendid little restaurant on the bottom floor of the Manwaring Center, the bottom floor of the same building as before, tucked away in a corner of the food court. I loved it. The dining room was so small that even if you were sitting alone, you were still sitting near other people. And even if you didn't share a table, the walls were mirrored so you could at least watch other people. That might sound creepy, but it was a wonderful place to be social. And the food was cheap. A lot of my lunches were just a little more than a dollar for a mini loaf with honey butter.

Well, I was probably scarfing down one of those mini loaves, when we happened to make eye contact as he sat down at a table really close to mine. We smiled at one another, as most students did back then, and then I was struck with the awkwardness of realizing how odd I must look, smiling with my mouth full. Cheeks bulging, crooked smile. After swallowing, I turned to his table and said, "You know how awkward it is when you see someone while you're eating, and then they smile at you, so you smile back, but your mouth is full, so you know you look weird? I mean, what can you do? I don't want to not smile." He just laughed. He nodded in a friendly fashion as I hurried off to class, but totally thought I was crazy. He had just happened to catch me twice when I had no problem blurting out exactly what was on my mind.

Later on, my roommate's boyfriend AJ told me that he worked with someone who'd met me-- apparently this same Asian guy, whose name I may have learned but don't remember. I don't know how I came up in their conversation, but when AJ told him that I was probably the most normal of all his girlfriend's roommates, this Asian guy looked horrified, and said, "Her?! The most normal???" 

That was the end of our story: myself and the Asian artist who was half Chinese and had interesting hair. I was much less reserved as a freshman in college, perhaps because I was anxious to make those college buddies I'd always wanted, or perhaps because only three people knew me there when I started out, and I had nothing to lose by a little embarrassment. Well, I've done plenty of stupid things. Appalling a random guy with my weirdness is nothing to regret.

The Unreachable Itch

You know that spot in the middle of your back that you just can't quite reach? No matter how you twist or contort your arms, you can touch it but not scratch it? It's the kind you can get with some kind of stick or back scratcher, but then you tend to scratch too hard, and now it just hurts. Oh, and now it itches over there too! And over there. Sound familiar? It occurred to me today in the shower (https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/) that there might be a reason for that terribly unreachable spot. I couldn't reach it today. I get the itches just remembering. Ughghgh.

I think it's why we humans need each other. Because no matter how many nice back scratchers we can buy, nothing beats a compassionate human touch. It's frustratingly difficult to try and communicate exactly where it itches to someone else, just as it's irritating to try and follow someone's directions in search of the traveling itch, but when it can be done: bliss. That would be where the phrase "you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours" comes from. I always found that phrase somewhat uncouth, like it's said by a fat man in a wife-beater who might have fleas. Putting that mental image aside, it's about a mutually beneficial relationship, and hopefully, never involving fleas! Friends helping friends and finding satisfaction when their needs are met. It's one of many reasons that our species forms communities and civilizations. We can't quite reach that one spot in the middle of our backs.

Why are we designed that way? Why, in a world where we have to be tough and independent to survive, do we have to depend on others to be truly satisfied? Who enjoys needing someone else? I like having someone there to do the things I can't do, but the unfulfilled need is quite dreadful. This is probably the very lightest of examples. I am only scratching the surface (hehehe) of the drawbacks of loneliness. I can't do more than mention how much it aches to be lonely, because so many have felt it much deeper and longer than I.

Why do we itch? Because we need a scratch. Why do we feel hunger? Because we need to eat. Why do we feel lonely? Because without that feeling, we would never know that we needed anyone. Without the need, we probably wouldn't take all the time and effort to seek out or maintain relationships that bring us the most happiness and satisfaction. We need each other. Even though I like being alone, I don't think I'm ever as happy as I am when I can be around other people, helping them and being helped. I don't know why we are designed this way, but man, I do enjoy a good back scratching.

I regret writing this. It's the most itchy I've been in a week.